What to Know When Dealing with Grief According to Dr. Blumenthal

On Nov. 6, Sephardic Bikur Holim brought in Dr. Norman Blumenthal to speak with the community about how to cope with tragedies that have taken place recently in the past few weeks. Dr. Blumenthal is the director of trauma, bereavement, and crisis intervention at Ohel.

Dr. Blumenthal touched on many topics within his speech that can help people in times of tragedy and loss. The doctor made it clear that he would not focus on any one specific incident, rather he would use this platform to talk about loss in general and how to mentally cope with such a terrible experience in a mentally healthy way.

In light of recent tragedies in our community, SBH felt it was necessary to bring in a specialist in the subject to discuss how to cope and react to such things. Around 50 people attended the lecture and over 300 viewers tuned in to SBH’s live feed on Instagram. SBH encourages everyone affected to watch and listen to the video of the speech.

Below are a few tips that were discussed by Dr. Blumenthal on how to cope with tragedy and loss properly.

Why it’s healthy to grieve.

Grieving is a natural part of the human condition that can happen naturally as traumatic or upsetting events occur. It can be a necessary process and no two people grieve the same way. It is also important to note that depression is something that comes about only if a person was already struggling with an issue mentally before a specific tragedy took place.

Additionally, Dr. Blumenthal added that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Sometimes people are not so emotional when you think they should be and that’s ok.

Crying releases stress hormones which, in turn, can make you feel better which is why it could be beneficial. One should not be afraid to grieve. Being strong doesn’t mean not crying, being strong is being able to face the enormity of your loss head on.

How to act around mourners.

The do’s and don’t of how to act around someone who has lost a loved one are very important to note when attending a shivah house. It is important to be empathetic and not sympathetic.

Additionally, according to Dr. Blumenthal, you must keep in mind the age of the person who is being mourned. If the person had a long life, you mourn their memory. But if someone dies at a young age, their future is being mourned as well.

Also, you must have in mind your actual relationship to the person or family. If you weren’t so close to them before the tragedy, it’s not appreciated if you act as though you were by constantly visiting or overstaying. Try to talk about the person in their life and tell stories to bring their memory to fruition. You could even ask a question about the person or ask the person that’s mourning to tell you a good story about that person if it seems appropriate.

This usually is a better conversation to have since the Jewish people believe in the concept of a soul; we know the relationship with the deceased has not ended, it has just changed. The new relationship is based on memories, pictures, and stories. If the deceased was older when they passed, these things could be their legacy.

It is also important to note that one should don’t alienate the family because you don't have the right words to say. Mourners do not like to be treated differently so if you see them walking on Shabbat, you should greet them with a smile and say Shabbat Shalom like you normally would.

Children and grief.

Preschool children between the ages of four and five years old and under do not understand death.

The doctor noted that if a child’s friend’s mother dies and they ask their own mother if she is going to die, the best thing to do would be to make them feel secure by answer no, they won’t die.

Children six years and older do, however, understand the concept of death and you could explain to them that it is rare. At this age they can sympathize but not empathize. Some might want the facts of what happened. This is a normal way for them to try to understand what happened and why.

Teenagers are different, according to Dr. Blumenthal. Teenagers can empathize which can lead to a longer grieving process.

Whatever their age, make sure that your children know that they can talk about anything with you. It is ok to cry in front of your children or students while talking about these kinds of tragedies, but it is also important not to get hysterical.

Focus on connecting.

Studies have been done on what makes people happy and they found that three major factors come into play: friends, family, and faith.

The common denominator of these things are connections. Thankfully, we have these deep connections in leaps and bounds within our community. One must try their hardest to focus on this concept when dealing with a loss or tragedy in order to not only comfort someone in mourning, but to also comfort themselves. We must remember that we will always have a support system behind us in hard times. This will then translate into a comforting feeling of happiness for anyone dealing with a terrible trauma.

Faith is also our strong suit as Jews so that is an important factor as well to keep in mind when going through such an ordeal.

What now?

Dr. Blumenthal raised an important question in his speech concerning what we can do now, after a tragedy or loss has taken place.

Now we go to the shivah house. Now we show our support. Now we honor their memory.

It’s important to note before we start bombarding the families with new charities and monuments in this person's honor that we let a little time pass. We must let mourners have a moment to accept what’s happened before we go naming things in the person's honor.

A good thing to do that you can do right away is to think of an attribute of the person, for example if this person was tzniut, and you take on something small in his or her honor like covering your hair with a baseball cap from time to time. You can then let the family know that you're taking this on in honor of their loved one. This can offer comfort to know that their memory is living on.

This is an important thing to do, especially for parents who lose their children at a young age. With no time to make a legacy, many fear their child will be forgotten. Even when a few years pass, bring up a story about the child to the parents. This is another way to show they are not forgotten.

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Frieda@sephardic.org

Frieda Schweky is Sephardic.Org's official community events reporter. For inquiries and to get involved with our site, please contact Frieda via email.